Whatever your personality, whatever your social standing, there is a computer operating system that is just right for you.
For example, are you extremely good looking and almost unbelievably cool? Good, I am also. People like us should use Macs, and I don't mean iMacs or iBooks. A Macbook is the minimum computer anyone of our status should consider, and really we deserve a MacBook Pro or MacBook Air.
Nothing else carries the same cachet , nothing else speaks to our superior genetics in quite the same way, and anything less would only detract from our well chilled uber-coolness. By the way, the important thing here is ownership: you don't need to USE it; carrying it around is quite sufficient.
Perhaps instead you are frighteningly intelligent? Excellent, as that happens to describe me also. People like us need to run Linux, and I do not mean simply having some Ubuntu desktop available to log in to. Our Linux should be a server OS, locked down so securely that even we have trouble logging in and are prevented from changing anything if we do manage to gain access.
Our Linux usage should be painful and difficult: nothing worth doing is easy. Can you sneer at less committed Linux users? If not, practice in the mirror until you get the proper amount of disdain. Remember, you must express an appropriate amount: extreme disdain for Windows users, pity for Mac users, and light disdain for desktop Linux folk (after all, they ARE trying!).
Are you good looking AND intelligent? Oh, we have so much in common! If you want, you can buy a MacBook, MacBook Pro or Air and install Linux on it! Alternately, keep OS X and have the Linux on a server. Remember, your Linux has to make Bastille Linux look insecure by comparison. Being good looking doesn't absolve you of all responsibility!
Do you like to march to the beat of a different drum? Do you like the music to stay recognizably consistent? My friend, you are made for BSD. Your reaction to all other users should be a half smile and a softly whispered "It's all about security.." . Practice letting your voice trail off at the end and then raise your eyebrows slightly.
Are you insane? Fortunately for you, SCO Unix and SCO Unixware are still available for purchase starting at only a relatively non-nominal amount of hard-earned money. SCO Unix may also be right for you if you are deeply sentimental and long for the early 90's - things were so much simpler then, right? Practice this in the mirror: "Some things never change!"
Do you like antiques? You can find hardware that will run CP/M, TRSDOS and AmigaOS. You can buy Radio Shack Color Computers still and play games that were almost state of the art when first sold!
Are you argumentative? Do you like shelling out a lot of money for hardware and software and then defending your over-spending as justified? You are well suited for Windows Vista or Windows 7. You need to practice your sneers also. Remember to mix in utter puzzlement for Mac owners and a deep suspicion of stupidity and/or socialist leanings for the Linux folk. I know that's hard to convey in a sneer - that's why you need to practice!
If you happen to be good looking, argumentative AND insane, you can install Vista or Windows 7 on a MacBook of your choice. If you are really crazy, try installing SCO 5.0.7 and post your complaints to a Linux newsgroup.
Perhaps you are none of these things? Do you apologize for your computer ineptitude? Does every question you ask concerning your computer begin with "This is probably a stupid question.."? You'll be quite happy with Windows XP or even Windows ME. DO NOT ATTEMPT TO USE VISTA! By the way, you don't get to sneer at anyone, sorry.
Whatever your choice, remember to defend it proudly.
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More Articles by Anthony Lawrence © 2013-07-07 Anthony Lawrence
Computers have been taught to distrust each other and will reject attempted connections most of the time. Nowadays, most computers and firewalls are utterly rude about it: it would be like asking someone to dance and having them ignore you as though you were invisible and inaudible. (Tony Lawrence)