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A typical day in the office. As I had been avoiding the onerous tasks involving paperwork for at least a month, my desk had reached a state that demanded attention. Although I promised myself to attend to it on this very day, I have managed to delay the inevitable by such expedients as going out for coffee, checking the answering machine outgoing message, and formatting a box of floppies. Such tactics brought me to half past the hour of nine without yet touching a single piece of paper. The advent of the phone ringing promised at least a few more moments not doing that which needed to be done. "Hello, this is Tony", I cheerfully answered.

"Hi there, Tony, this is Bruce Wondersell from Big Sell Distributors. I understand you are pretty active in the Unix market."

Well, yes, I guess so. It's been my sole source of income for quite a few years now, so I'm willing to let the statement stand. I mumbled something affirmative and Bruce charged on.

"We are really looking for your business, Tony and I think you'll find that Big Sell can help you in the Unix market..."

"I don't sell hardware.", I interrupted. A little abrupt, yes, but even filing paperwork is preferable to listening to this guy's sales pitch.

"I'm with you, guy!", exclaimed Bruce enthusiastically. "You can't expect to compete on the empty iron. No, you need to sell SOLUTIONS, and that's where we can help!"

"No, you don't understand.", I protested. "I don't sell anything. I just consult and program and fix things up here and there: that's all I do."

"Sure, sure", Bruce flowed on, totally ignoring me. "Right now we have a real special for new dealers like you: OmniAll Integrated Office/Warehouse/Personal Secretary for only $500 a ten user pack. It lists for $1995, so if you can push it off for full price you are looking at a pretty tidy little profit there, Tony."

"Push it off?" I said, not quite believing what I had heard.

"Well, we are recommending you sell it for about a grand, but your customers don't have to know that. " chortled Bruce.

"Bruce, my friend, my buddy, my pal, listen to me very carefully." I had lowered my voice to just above a whisper, so he was going to have to listen up. "I DON'T sell software, hardware or anything but my time. If I did sell software, I doubt that Omniwhatchamacallit would be something I would even want to market, but if by some unbelievable miracle it were, I can guarantee you that I would never, listen very closely, Bruce, never, ever , never 'push it off' on anyone. Got that, Bruce? Bye."

Slowly and gently hanging up the phone is sometimes even more satisfying than slamming it down. This was such a case, and I was feeling rather pleased and was mentally congratulating myself when the phone rang again. I answered somewhat warily: some of these guys don't give up easily. But it wasn't buddy Bruce, it was Walter, of Walter's Gas 'n Gifts, a long time client of dubious financial value. "How's things, Walter?" I asked, fervently wishing my filing were up to date so that I could know just how overdue Walter actually is. That Walter is overdue is axiomatic: Walter never pays a bill until he needs you again. At the moment you arrive to do new work, Walter will cut a check for whatever you did last time. If it has been a very long time and his need is not pressing, he will sometimes send a check a day or two befor e calling. This never fails to amuse me, but since no check from Gas 'n Gifts has arrived recently, I suspect that his need is urgent.

"System's down. Won't come up.". Walter is as chary with his words as he is with his cash.

"Gee, Walter, I'm sorry to hear that." I was having a very hard time keeping myself from laughing. Not because the poor man had a crashed file system, but because this was a great opportunity to chastise him with regard to his bill-paying habits and I was heartily looking forward to it.

"Well, can you come?" Walter sounded a little annoyed.

"Let me check my calendar", I offered, and then I sat quietly saying nothing for several moments.

"I need you now. I told you the system is down!". Walter seemed a bit impatient.

"Well, gosh Walter, I do have to be at my day job in ten minutes.", I managed to squeeze this out between spasms of my larynx trying to burst into laughter.

"Day job?". Walter was confused. "Since when do you have a day job?".

"Well, Walter, my receivables just got so stretched out and I couldn't pay my bills, so I took a job at Shaw's."

"At Shaw's? Doing what?". Walter was having extreme difficulty believing what he was hearing, and was obviously distracted by his concern for his crashed computer.

"Bag boy", I stated with as much sincerity as I could muster. "Of course, if you had paid your bill, I might be able to be on my way now..."

"Oh, very funny", said Walter, finally catching on. "I'll have a check for you, just get over here. I need this system up today!"

Well, money is always preferable to filing. So, the paperwork awaits another day.