A.P. Lawrence Home

Poor Christians. We, the followers of Her Holy Pinkness, consumers of the Holy Pizza, deeply regret that you choose to defy the very Being who will save your soul from eternal misery. You have been misled by empty promises of a Savior who never comes, of a Heaven you will never attain unless you repent your ways now.

The EAC has said that we cannot proselytize, that it is beneath us, that it would fall on deaf ears. I think they are wrong! I think the Good News of your Salvation must be spread, so you can join us on the Pinkish Plains of Paradise. I therefor come to you in the Holy Spirit of Her Invisible Pinkness, and offer you Her Grace:

May the Invisible Pink Unicorn defecate upon your shoes, for it is written that only then may you enter the Kingdom of Heaven and ride the Holy Camel Beasts throughout all eternity.

May you fall upon your knees and scoop the Heavenly Pink Shit into your hands and spread it upon your face, in your hair, all over your body (technically, this procedure is not in the Holy Book of Spam and is not required for salvation, but it amuses the hell out of the rest of us, so we always mention it).

Her Holy Pinkness Shat for your Sins, that you, upon reaching Heaven, will never defecate again! This is the Seventh Mystery, and the other six are really strange and neat, too.

There is a Hoof Shaped Hole in your hearts, and you know it, though through your anger and your fear you refuse to admit it. You hold your noses and will not inhale the Glorious Stench of Pink Unicorn Shit. You are not ready, my brother, not ready to join with us in the Mystery of the Pineapple and Ham. I lament for you, and pray to Her Pinkness that your nostrils will be opened, as ours have been.

I want you to know the tartness of the Pineapple, to taste the sweet Ham in the Holy Romano, baked upon the crispy crust, to bring the Warmth into your mouth, to roll it upon your tongue, to inhale its Holy Fragrance. I want to share with you the mysteries of Her Pinkness, tell you of Her mighty Hooves, Her firey breath, Her majestic Tail.

I want you to join us in our nightly readings from the Holy Book of Spam, that you may learn of the Mysteries, and be confused and dumfounded.

Most of all, I want you to be enveloped in Her Invisible Pinkness, to know Her Love, to be one with Her spirit.

We of the IPU are told not to waste our breath upon those who Will Not Smell. Her Pinkness tells us that men either come unto Her Holy Hooves willingly, or not at all. She warns us that proselytizing is much as teaching pigs to sing: it wears you out, and annoys the pig.

But still, I fear for your soul, my brother. I do not want you to be cast into to the Mines of Misery to spend all eternity grubbing in the darkness. I do not want you to curse your bleeding stubs of fingers, to gaze forever at clean shoes, devoid of Pink Shit. Join us in worshipping Her Pinkness, and avoid your damnation.

You who mock Her Pinkness deny Her Everlasting Love, and thus earn Her Undying Contempt. The IPU wants you to accept Her as your Pink Unicorn. Her Holy Hooves wish to trample your sins, and She wants the hot breath of Her Holy Nostrils to cleanse you of unwanted facial hair.

You have nothing to lose, and everything to gain. If we are wrong, then you can convert back to your wimpy Christian God seconds before you die. But if we are right, you will hear the Heavenly Hoofbeats approaching as you slip away, as Her Righteous Pinkness comes to examine your shoes.

Will She find your shoes worthy of defecation? Only if you have accepted Her Holy Pinkness into your heart. Only if you have supped on the Holy Pineapple and Ham Pizza with your atheist brethren. If you have not done these things, She will leave you for the Trolls from the Mines of Misery, who will drag you in chains to your cruel fate.

The evidence is all around you. Have you never heard things go bump in the dark? That is Her Holiness bumping into furniture, something your supposed Christian God never does.

Have you never seen hoofprints in sand or dirt? Proof positive that Her Holy Pinkness has passed this way, perhaps disguised as an ordinary horse.

Have you never seen a Pink Unicorn? OF COURSE YOU HAVEN'T! The Holy IPU is INVISIBLE, she cannot be seen at all, which is the most marvelous proof of all!

Do not risk entering Eternity with unsoiled shoes. The Mines of Misery are dark and cold, and you will claw at frozen rock with your bare fingers in tight passageways, unable to stand, hidden from daylight, hearing only the moans of the other accursed for all eternity. There is no rest in the Mines of Misery, no holidays, no 401K, no paid leave. You will crawl on your miserable belly forever, cold, alone, blind, and worst of all, with no Holy Shit upon your shoes. There will be plenty of shit, of course, and you'll be crawling through that as well, because Eternity in the Mines of Misery is not defecation free.

Instead of that awful existence, you could ride Her Holiness to Heaven, where you will be given your own Camel Beast, your own Flaming Sword, and your own Sexy Outfit. You will play Polo on the Pinkish Plains of Paradise, drink nectar from Holy Pink Goblets, and have your every whim attended to by nubile young attendants (choice of gender and apparent age of attendants is up to individual worshipper. Gender may be mixed if desired, and exchanged as taste dictates. The management will accomodate any request for other life forms of any gender or species). All that, and no unpleasant or annoying bodily functions! The Holy IPU Shat for your sins, and you won't have to!

Most important of all, you will bask forever in the Pink Radiance of the Holy IPU.

Come, my brother. You who now pinch your nose and refuse to smell, unpinch, and breathe deep. Sit with us, partake of the Holy Pineapple and Ham Pizza, and learn of Her Pinkness and all that She can do for you (common side effects include nausea, dizziness and stomach cramps. In most worshippers, these symptoms are mild. Consult your Doctor if you have a previous history of allergies to Unicorns, Invisible Beings, Peter Paul candies, or any song by the Carpenters).

My atheist brethren say that you will ignore this. I say if there is only one among you who will hear this news, only one soul saved from the Mines of Misery, then it is worthwhile to have annoyed the rest of you.

Her Holy Pinkness loves you. I love you. All Atheists love you, adore you, are simply head over heels fruity over you. That is, we are if you will accept Her Pinkness as your One True Unicorn. If you won't, if you continue to be angry at Her Pinkness, if you continue to defy Her, if you refuse to acknowledge the Hoof Shaped Hole in your heart, then we hate you, despise you, and will never, never be nice to you or give you half a Twix or even the time of day.

Yours in Her Pinkness, Taint Anthony the Astonished

She Shat for Your Sins!