More Humor
Subject: Re: Global Alert For All: Jesus is Coming Soon
References: <2hffq1$71b@orion.cc.andrews.edu>
Organization: Lawrence & Clark Inc, Boston MA
Distribution: world
Clarence L. Thomas IV (clarence@orion.cc.andrews.edu) wrote:
: The earthquake in Los Angeles, California, the flood in Europe, the seemingly
: unstoppable war in the former Yugoslavia, the devastating fires in Australia,
: are signs that this world's history is coming to a climax. The human race
: has trampled on God's Constitution, as given in Exodus 20:1-17 (King James
: Version Bible), and Jesus is coming to set things right. These rapidly
: accelerating signs are an indication that Jesus is coming soon (Matthew 24).
OK, Clarence. It's really good to hear from one of God's Appointed Messengers.
However, I'm sure you must realize that, in most cases, your heartwarming
attempt to save souls just falls on deaf ears. Most people are just too
busy coveting and making graven images to be bothered with the Word of God.
So here's what you do, Clarence. First, there will be some who will hear
your message. Gather those close to you, and seek others. You'll need
a place to bring everyone together in God's Love; fortunately real estate
prices are pretty depressed right now (God puts opportunity in your path,
Clarence, it's up to you to see it!) so you should be able to purchase good
amounts of space for cheap money. If you don't have quite enough cash right
this second, remember that some of the most nutty, excuse me, I meant God
Blessed people are also quite rich, so all you have to do is send them a
letter just like you sent us and I'm sure the dollars will just come rolling
in. After all, they won't need money soon enough, so they may as well send
it to God. In care of you, of course.
So get a big place, and stock it with food and water, 'cause sometimes God
isn't real clear about exactly when he's sending in the troops. You just
never know with the Big Guy: He moves in mysterious ways. What I'm trying
to tell you, Clarence, is that you and your flock might have to wait awhile
before the Avenging Angels swoop down to send the rest of us to Hell. So
lay in plenty of food.
And don't forget guns and ammunition. God loves guns and ammunition. I
know the Bible doesn't come right out and say that, Clarence, but you know
that when you are reading the Word of God, you sometimes have to read between
the lines (I think it's part of that Moving in Mysterious Way stuff: it
carries over into the writing). Just trust me on this one, Clarence, and
don't stint on the semi-automatics.
Once you all get settled in, you can get down to the serious Waiting for God
stuff. You know the drill: lots of prayer, lots of self-denial, and, of
course, lots of waiting.
While you are waiting, you'll probably want to take advantage of some of the
neat perks that go with being one of God's Appointed Messengers. Please
realize that God negotiates individual contracts with each Messenger, so
your contract is specific to your case and you do not necessarily have all
the bennies that some other Messengers have had. For example, you probably
won't get the Walking on Water thing: He hasn't used that one in quite a
while.
But, if recent history speaks to God's intentions, it's quite likely that you
will be able to Instruct the Children (remember: you can't use whips unless
God says you can!) and Sleep With All the Women (again, whether or not their
husbands can also sleep with them depends on your specific contract. Read
the fine print carefully!).
The most important part is to read the Early Termination part of the contract.
It seems like guns and fire have been God's favorites recently, but don't
forget the Poison Koolaid bit. You just never know when He'll want to use
that one again.
Well, Clarence, whatever kind of deal you and the Big Guy work out, remember
that those of us in soc.couples will be thinking of you and looking forward
to the day when we read your name in the clarinet sections.
Good luck, and God Bless!
Add your comments