Welcome to Unix

So you want to be a Unix or Linux geek? That's great news, because frankly we need new blood. In the old days, while we were riding high and Windows was a puny little joke, we'd sneer at supplicants like you and respond to any question with "RTFM!". We'd then snicker and wink at each other knowingly.

Well, no more. In fact, we have our hats in our hands now and humbly apologize for our past arrogance and lack of compassion. We are changed people, reborn if you will, and ready to welcome you with open arms.

My hope here is to help you find your way in Unix or Linux. You may have learned in the past that Unix is "hard". You may have seen little jokes like "Unix is friendly - it's just picky about its friends", which was our snide way of telling you that you might not be smart enough to use Unix or Linux. Well, no more of that. From now on, Unix and Linux intend to be the Dale Carnegie of operating systems, welcoming and embracing all.

So, shake the hand of the New Unix: amenable, friendly, courteous, humble, helpful, obsequious, clairvoyant and more. Let me introduce you to your new best pal.

The Unix Way - forget it

There are other articles on this site, written before our awakening and transformation, that advise you to learn the Unix Way. Such cheekiness! Instead, grasshopper, Unix had better learn your ways, and that should be your attitude at all times. If ever something feels strange, confused, or just not Microsoft-like, you should complain. Immediately. Loudly. Everything is a file? How ridiculous: is a horse a file? How about a pitcher of beer dumped over the nearest Unix geek's head - is THAT a file? Don't put up with such nonsense.

There is no "Unix way". There is the Microsoft way, or the highway, and we know that now. From time to time, you may have to remind us of how things should be properly done. Some of us haven't had the exposure to Saint William that you have and aren't aware of how he has changed protocols and so on to improve them. Just because something was invented in the Unix world doesn't mean it isn't better after Microsoft coders work on it. In fact, it always is better, and the only thing that prevents us from seeing that instantly is a foolish adherence to established practice. Remind us that a new sheriff is in town and it is Unix and Linux that need to mend their ways. We may complain that Bill doesn't always make his changes open, which makes it harder for us to comply, but that's just sniveling from losers.

The Command Line

Windows has a command line too, and we all know it can be useful at times, but these Unix geeks spend way too much time there. Pipelines and redirection are all fine within limits, but let's not over do it. If you find yourself at the command line more than once a year or so, you've been sucked into old time Unix thinking and need to shake that off.

As to this silly business where some commands don't output anything unless they fail, well, you just shouldn't be using those commands. Surely there is a way to do what you want in the GUI, and if not, someone needs to fix that immediately. Drop a note in any Linux newsgroup advising them of the oversight and you should have your GUI application in a day or two. Sometimes you have to prod a little; Linux programmers tend to be slackers. If necessary, remind them of their character faults.

Your Desktop

Your desktop should look very much like your Microsoft desktop. If it does not, someone accidentally installed the wrong desktop and they will need to fix that for you. Some Unix or Linux folk who have not yet Seen The Light may try to tell you that's your problem, but obviously it is not. Be insistent: you have rights. Contact whoever gave you the install CD and get them to send you an update.

You should, of course, run as the "root" user. That's the Unix equivalent of "Administrator" and is shorter and easier to spell. Unix prefers that you have a password; if you choose to accept that arbitrary and unnecessary request, I suggest that you use "r00t", "toor" or something equally clever but easy to remember.

Unix and Linux have administrative tools. If you have a good distribution, the tools will be in Control Panel. If not, well, again there has been an error and someone (not you) needs to fix it. If the tools are not in Control Panel, but you can find them easily, you may choose to live with the annoyance. That is your choice, but if any tiny thing is not what you are accustomed to, you really shouldn't have to put up with it. Be assertive. Unix and Linux need you, you don't need them.

Patches and Updates

Like Windows, Unix and Linux systems do come out with patches and updates. Unfortunately, it's not as often as Microsoft and this upsets people. Sometimes I have gone weeks and even months without seeing updates for my Mac OS X system. Microsoft wisely releases patches weekly, sometimes even more often. We know this is an area we need to work on. Expect improvements - no, DEMAND improvements. The slackers will never put down their Cokes and get to work if people like you don't speak up.

Viruses and Worms

This is an area where we really need work. There aren't nearly enough good Unix or Linux malware programs in circulation. Apparently the problem is that it's harder to create such things. Well, duh: stop making it so hard!

You may find that odd. Isn't lack of viri etc. a good thing? Well, you could look at it that way, but remember, we are trying to duplicate the Windows experience here to make you more comfortable. We think a familiar environment is a comfy environment, and malware is obviously a necessary part of that.

Enjoying Yourself

Above all, we want your experience to be enjoyable. Unfortunately, that conflicts with our main mission of twisting Unix to conform to the expectations of a Windows user. This apparently unresolvable problem has been the subject of much discussion in the Unix and Linux newsgroups. As one correspondent said, "How can we make them happy if we have to make them miserable?"

There has to be a solution. Some have suggested that you, the former Windows user, should make some effort, even if only a token gesture, toward learning traditional Unix. That's heresy to those of us on the New Path. We believe that you just need to stand firm and expect a miracle. If Unix can't mold itself to your expectations AND make you happy, then we just aren't trying hard enough, are we? Rest assured that we will not give up easily. We will not stop until Unix and Linux are everything a Windows user expects and less. The challenge is in front of us, we will not fail!

See We lost the war for a video presentation of this.

Psst - Wanna work for yourself?

Comments


Sun Sep 23 15:37:34 2007: Subject:   e
"Viri" has never been a word in English. The plural is "viruses".



Sun Sep 23 22:45:51 2007: Subject:   TonyLawrence
Let me recommend a book to you: http://oakpointcommunity.org/books/unfoldingoflanguage.html



Language is, has always been and always will be what we make it.

Wed Sep 26 20:02:53 2007: Subject:   anonymous
We will not stop until Unix and Linux are everything a Windows user expects and "less."



Less?? Everything and LESS??

Wed Sep 26 20:44:52 2007: Subject:   TonyLawrence
Yes, less - we have to give them the quality they are accustomed to :-)



Mon Oct 15 11:44:24 2007: Subject:   anonymous
This is a funny article. Thanks.



Sun Dec 23 11:06:29 2007: Subject:   anonymous
Dear author,



after a rather funny (and also true) introduction you failed miserably at the concept of "being ironic".

You made your point that the NUIX/LUNIX people failed with their OS(es) and then - lying on the ground! - you spit in the eyes of the common Windows user.

You're right - I don't need Unix as much as it needs me.

Sun Dec 23 11:38:22 2007: Subject:   TonyLawrence
We haven't failed - we're stronger than ever. Macs for the masses, Linux for the true geeks and the adventurous.. all Unixish.



It would be easy (and true) to say "and we don't need you either", but that's not the point. The point is that YOU are missing out with your hobbled, proprietary, very broken Windows.

You'll figure that out someday.. thanks for visiting!

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