System Administrator wanted
© Anthony Lawrence, aplawrence.com
Responsibilities include (but not limited to):
Recycling/rebuilding existing servers. We do not tolerate waste.
Changing ribbon in 9 pin dot matrix printer.
Making sure nothing goes wrong. Ever.
Should something go wrong, fixing it quickly.
Never laughing at requests from upper management.
Proper dress and hygiene.
Excellent verbal and written skillfullness.
Experience setting up and maintaining Networks: LAN, WAN, VLAN,VPN, DECNET, and anything else Wikipedia mentions under "Computer Networks".
Expert understanding of Windows, Windows Server, MS Exchange, MSSQL, VOIP Systems, Unix, Linux, BSD, DEC, Wang, IBM 360, IBM 1401, Cobol, Lisp, Perl, Algol, IBM SPS, MASM, HTML, CSS, PHP, Java, Bash, Ksh, Csh, Kernel internals (all platforms), Sendmail, MMDF, SEO and all other three or four letter acronyms.
Ability to explain three or four letter acronyms to upper management IN PLAIN ENGLISH.
Ability to explain three or four letter acronyms to upper management IN PLAINER ENGLISH.
Ability to re-explain three or four letter acronyms to upper management regularly.
Teaching upper management to use acronyms correctly in conversation even when understanding is not possible.
Ability to work several days without food or water.
Ability to be here when needed by upper management. Accurate anticipation of such needs is an absolute requirement.
Ability to "read between the lines" to understand what upper management actually wants.
Ability to immediately resolve any issues caused by conflicting requests from upper management.
Ability to be in two places at the same time a definite plus.
Ability to maintain 100% uptime on all systems deemed necessary by upper management. 100% means what it says!
Ability to shred documents and destroy sensitive files efficiently and completely when directed by upper management.
Ability to recover shredded and deleted files quickly when directed by upper management.
Ability to prevent recovery of shredded and deleted files when directed by upper management.
Ability to recover unsaved email when directed by upper management.
Ability to recall email accidentally sent to incorrect recipients when directed by upper management.
Ability to fix spelling errors in email sent by upper management.
Ability to read configuration files printed with 9 pin dot matrix on pre-printed invoice forms.
Ability to change forms in 9 pin dot matrix in less than two minutes when directed by upper management.
Ability to remove jammed tape from main server and recover critical data.
Ability to understand all code created by our last eight system administrators.
Ability to crack all passwords created by our last eight system administrators.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO CONTACT ANY OF OUR FORMER ADMINISTRATORS!
Ability to remember upper management's passwords when requested.
Ability to forget upper management's passwords when requested.
Ability to keep secrets.
No smart-ass attitudes.
Insomnia a plus.
Social ineptitude a plus.
Living close by is a plus. We have a small apartment at reasonable rent right next to the SA's "office".
Note: the "office" is the server room.
Note: "apartment" is a vague term. A largish closet could be construed as an apartment at a later time.
Note: "reasonable" is a relative term.
At least 10 years experience, but not more than 15 (at anything).
Minimalist life philosophy preferred.
Doctorate preferred but will consider high school grad if requested salary is reasonable.
Yes, generally speaking.
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