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System Administrator wanted


2013/08/20




Responsibilities include (but not limited to):

Recycling/rebuilding existing servers. We do not tolerate waste.

Changing ribbon in 9 pin dot matrix printer.

Making sure nothing goes wrong. Ever.

Should something go wrong, fixing it quickly.

Never laughing at requests from upper management.

Proper dress and hygiene.


Requirements:

SHOES!

Excellent verbal and written skillfullness.

Experience setting up and maintaining Networks: LAN, WAN, VLAN,VPN, DECNET, and anything else Wikipedia mentions under "Computer Networks".

Expert understanding of Windows, Windows Server, MS Exchange, MSSQL, VOIP Systems, Unix, Linux, BSD, DEC, Wang, IBM 360, IBM 1401, Cobol, Lisp, Perl, Algol, IBM SPS, MASM, HTML, CSS, PHP, Java, Bash, Ksh, Csh, Kernel internals (all platforms), Sendmail, MMDF, SEO and all other three or four letter acronyms.

Ability to explain three or four letter acronyms to upper management IN PLAIN ENGLISH.

Ability to explain three or four letter acronyms to upper management IN PLAINER ENGLISH.

Ability to re-explain three or four letter acronyms to upper management regularly.

Teaching upper management to use acronyms correctly in conversation even when understanding is not possible.

Ability to work several days without food or water.

Ability to be here when needed by upper management. Accurate anticipation of such needs is an absolute requirement.

Ability to "read between the lines" to understand what upper management actually wants.

Ability to immediately resolve any issues caused by conflicting requests from upper management.

Ability to be in two places at the same time a definite plus.

Ability to maintain 100% uptime on all systems deemed necessary by upper management. 100% means what it says!

Ability to shred documents and destroy sensitive files efficiently and completely when directed by upper management.

Ability to recover shredded and deleted files quickly when directed by upper management.

Ability to prevent recovery of shredded and deleted files when directed by upper management.

Ability to recover unsaved email when directed by upper management.

Ability to recall email accidentally sent to incorrect recipients when directed by upper management.

Ability to fix spelling errors in email sent by upper management.

Ability to read configuration files printed with 9 pin dot matrix on pre-printed invoice forms.

Ability to change forms in 9 pin dot matrix in less than two minutes when directed by upper management.

Ability to remove jammed tape from main server and recover critical data.

Ability to understand all code created by our last eight system administrators.

Ability to crack all passwords created by our last eight system administrators.

YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO CONTACT ANY OF OUR FORMER ADMINISTRATORS!

Ability to remember upper management's passwords when requested.

Ability to forget upper management's passwords when requested.

Ability to keep secrets.

No smart-ass attitudes.

Insomnia a plus.

Social ineptitude a plus.

Living close by is a plus. We have a small apartment at reasonable rent right next to the SA's "office".

Note: the "office" is the server room.

Note: "apartment" is a vague term. A largish closet could be construed as an apartment at a later time.

Note: "reasonable" is a relative term.

NO PETS!


Experience:

At least 10 years experience, but not more than 15 (at anything).

Minimalist life philosophy preferred.


Education:

Doctorate preferred but will consider high school grad if requested salary is reasonable.


Compensation:

Yes, generally speaking.


See Let's be serious about System Administration also.




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Tue Aug 20 16:07:24 2013: 12267   BigDumbDinosaur
http://bcstechnology.net
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Expert understanding of Windows, Windows Server, MS Exchange, MSSQL, VOIP Systems, Unix, Linux, BSD, DEC, Wang, IBM 360, IBM 1401, Cobol, Lisp, Perl, Algol, IBM SPS, MASM, HTML, CSS, PHP, Java, Bash, Ksh, Csh, Kernel internals (all platforms), Sendmail, MMDF, SEO and all other three or four letter acronyms.

Sorry! I had to withdraw my application when I saw MS Exchange in that list. I'm afraid I'd be spending all my time working on Exchange, to the detriment of keeping the IBM 1401 in top shape.





Wed Aug 21 15:54:30 2013: 12268   EWebb

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You forgot upper management's most desired quality: clairvoyance.

- Must meet and exceed expectations based on vague hints, wishful thinking, and mental telepathy.

- Must be able to troubleshoot and provide a simple solution for any problem based solely on "It is not working anymore".

- Must all list unforeseen problems, outages, and pitfalls when starting a new project.

- Must be able to accurately interpret the ultimate Sinn of all requests made by upper management and clients, no matter how they may appear in writing.

:)



Wed Aug 21 16:26:53 2013: 12269   TonyLawrence

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Yes, clairvoyance is a definite requirement!



Wed Aug 21 17:03:19 2013: 12270   anonymous

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Pretty scummy to mess with the clipboard when a visitor copies text from the page.



Wed Aug 21 17:09:24 2013: 12271   TonyLawrence

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Scummy?

Actually, that's designed to be helpful to honest people who want to properly attribute what they are copying.

I can't see why it would annoy anyone except a dishonest person, but if you'd like to explain that to me, I'm happy to listen.



Wed Aug 21 17:12:48 2013: 12272   anonymous

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"Minimalist life philosophy preferred"
"Making sure nothing goes wrong. Ever."
"Never laughing at requests from upper management."
what i get from these 3 statements alone is, you must be able to live on the shit pay we give you, you have to be a GOD of computing (because how else can we prevent anything from going wrogn ever? its just an unrealistic request), and also, be able to fulfilled every single unrealistic request manegement makes.
this honestly looks like my 65 year old father wrote this immediately after he fired the last guy.



Wed Aug 21 17:18:24 2013: 12273   TonyLawrence

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While it is satire and not an actual job posting I think it does accurately reflect some of the unspoken assumptions management sometimes has..



Wed Aug 21 17:59:02 2013: Website: 12274   TonyLawrence

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Somebody posted this at Reddit, I see.

Apparently a moderator who hadn't yet had enough coffee thought it was a real job posting and suggested it be moved to the job posting board.

Now THAT would have been really funny!



Wed Aug 21 22:05:25 2013: Website: 12275   hardly

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This is what comes to mind when messing with the clipboard is brought up (way scummy).

http://thejh.net/misc/website-terminal-copy-paste






Wed Aug 21 22:12:17 2013: Website: 12276   anonymousadifferentone

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Clipboard is not messed with when running no-script.

And there are many reasons to copy this, one being that someone considers it useful and wants to maintain access to it after take it down or turn off your site.

Me, I think it's ok but not the best mock resume so I wouldn't bother mirroring or stealing it.



Wed Aug 21 22:15:27 2013: Website: 12277   TonyLawrence

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I'd agree that IS scummy, but of course that is not what I've done here. I haven't interfered with the copied text at all; I'e simply added a link.









Wed Aug 21 22:31:33 2013: Website: 12278   TonyLawrence

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You may THINK it is ok to copy, but it is not. There is such a thing as fair use (copying a few lines or so) but even then you need to attribute it to the original source.

I'm not a hard ass. I don't do things to prevent that, I just add a source link. Anybody can remove that link if they refuse use it. They'd be wrong to do so, but they certainly can. Or as you point out, they can use noscript.

Or they can write it down :-)






Wed Aug 21 23:06:48 2013: Website: 12279   sailingsparky

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I think the job ad has missed one vital part, that is the ability to know advance of any new software that the upper management might read about in their Sunday morning coffee, newspaper & on-line searching for more news session drags up.



Thu Aug 22 12:35:53 2013: Website: 12280   TonyLawrence

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Me, I think it's ok but not the best mock resume so I wouldn't bother mirroring or stealing it.

Yeah, I'd agree. It's far from the most amusing thing I've ever written, but really, it's not meant to be: it's more satire than humor.







Thu Aug 22 16:00:04 2013: Website: http://bcstechnology.net12281   BigDumbDinosaur

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Pretty scummy to mess with the clipboard when a visitor copies text from the page.

Makes perfect sense to me. Tony wrote the article, he owns it and has the right to byline any copy that you might make. Is your objection due to Tony making a mild attempt to prevent plagiarism, or is your beef solely because one or two extra keystrokes are needed to edit out the byline so you can plagiarize?



Fri Aug 23 00:04:39 2013: Website: 12282   anonymous

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Very funny. I think it accurately reflects the life of an admin..



Fri Aug 23 00:13:09 2013: Website: 12283   TonyLawrence

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Something else from real life:

Must not laugh out loud when upper management leads a customer through your department and says something wildly inaccurate about the technology or the team..

That was a regular occurrence at one place I worked. "This is our nerve center. We have four ten gigabit DSL routers with dual failover and strict proxy firewalling at all VLANS"

And we'd just smile vacantly. Yes-sir boss, we sure do!



Fri Aug 23 10:24:55 2013: Website: 12284   BruceGarlock

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Don't forget: Ability to manage all of this without a budget!

I also never thought about adding 'Password cracking' as a skill to my resume :-) But, I have had to do that on more than one ocassion.

I admit, while reading this, I had some coffee squirt out my nose from laughing so hard. (need to make an emoticon for that one :-)






Fri Aug 23 12:55:05 2013: Website: 12285   TonyLawrence

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Budget? What's that? I've heard of OTHER departments having such things, but I never saw one myself.






Fri Aug 23 15:29:35 2013: Website: 12286   anonymous

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Really!? No one mentioned paint the office, fix the toilet, change the light bulbs, or re-key the locks...



Fri Aug 23 15:32:39 2013: Website: 12287   TonyLawrence

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Well, what do you EXPECT to be doing in your down time? The company needs value for the money it is paying you!

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