Who is Louella Slaton (and why do I get her email)?
© Anthony Lawrence, aplawrence.com
For some time now, I have been getting email directed to Louella Slaton. That's obviously a mistake both on grounds of gender and appellation, and therefore has been a cause of curiosity for me. Although I do sometimes use made up names for illustrative purposes in articles and other postings, the name "Louella Slaton" has never appeared in any post or correspondence of mine until today.
So why have I been getting Louella's email for several years now?
I decided to investigate. I thought it would be hard to track down the real Louella Slaton, but in fact it wasn't hard at all. Google has exactly one match for "Louella Slaton" (in quotes) and that records her 1904 marriage:
Louella Slaton to Hayes Townsend 12 Jul 1904 (Some More Giles Co, TN, SLATON marriages, http://archiver.rootsweb.com/th/read/SLATON/1999-04/0924751979)
Even allowing for liberal Tennessee marriage age laws, Louella must have been born before 1900, which means she's well over one hundred years old now. I can't find out from Google if she divorced or Hayes has already passed, but the fact that she is using her maiden name tells us that one of these may have happened. I do know (from a Lions club newsletter) that Hayes was still alive and active in 2003, so we'll assume divorce. Or perhaps Louella, a strong spirited woman, never gave up her maiden name at all? Google knows all, but doesn't necessarily tell all.
We don't know much about Louella's life up to now. Most Google searches (Images, News, Froogle, etc) come up blank. Tantalizingly, the one that does not is a search in Google Books. This cryptic reference is returned:
by United States. Weather Bureau, United States. Environmental Data Service, National Climatic Data Center (U.S.), Data, and Information Service United States. National Environmental Satellite, National Climatic Center
Could this mean that Louella was a meteorologist for at least part of her career? Google tells us nothing more.
I can assume from the email I get that Louella still has good credit (email to Louella is shown in italics below):
louella slaton, I spoke yesterday, After further processing of your case we are glad to alert you of your approval.
louella slaton - $-300,550 at 3.15 percent for 10 Yrs
Louella slaton Positive info on your Equifax Credit File
That last email goes on to explain that Louella is in an ideal position to borrow on her real estate holdings if she desires. We don't know how much property she owns, but we do know that she is still actively trading stocks:
louella slaton - FALCON ENERGY Inc. (FCYI) Up (50.64 %)
I feel simply awful that this trading opportunity did not reach the person it was intended for - I think Louella would have jumped on that opportunity.
As you would expect at her age, Louella's health is not perfect:
Refill for louella slaton is ready.
I hope that she got that refill. I'm worried, though. Whether from advanced age or other medical problems, Louella apparently isn't paying close attention to financial details:
Greetings, louella slaton We have been trying to reach you. After Checking our documents, you have been overpaying by at least 49%
louella slaton This is our third approach to touch base with you about your request.
Louella falls on hard times
Of course she may be distracted by more pressing matters. These distressing emails tell a sad story:
louella slaton Director was just laid off
louella slaton Executive will be fired
louella slaton Executive will be on layoff
Apparently Louella is no longer capable of holding a job. Poor thing. Help is perhaps on the way, though:
How are you, louella slaton
As of Jan 2006 our University has opened a life experience degree program. We have three of the listed choices:
Perhaps it is time for Louella to embark on a new career. Her credit is still good, she has real estate and stock holdings to carry her through the reeducation period; I'm sure she can do it.
Perhaps not. A slow real estate market and declines in stocks have apparently taken their toll.
louella slaton Chapter 11 conference scheduled
This is not good. Could the inattentiveness noted above been contributory here? Maybe she never did get that refill and her illness brought her to this low point. I feel somehow responsible.
A turn to crime?
But there is worse to come:
louella slaton Felonious Movements Noted
FWD: louella slaton Illegal Movements Taped
This is simply awful. A former woman of means, with excellent credit and large financial holdings, has been completely destroyed and has entered the criminal underworld.
Now at last the reason I get Louella's email is clear: Louella herself is responsible. In a desperate attempt to cover her criminal activities, she has attempted reverse identity theft: rather than stealing my identity, she is trying to impose her identity onto mine! How fiendishly clever this woman is, how diabolical. While she leads a life of crime in Tennessee, the authorities will be scrutinizing me.
It won't work, Louella. I'm on to your little game now. The best advice I can give to you is to surrender to the authorities now before you get in any deeper. There's still time to rebuild an honest life: those university degrees are available and your life experience certainly will make you valuable to any employer if you will only stop now and get back on the straight and narrow path.
You can do it, Louella, I know you can.
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